WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though the story has faded from the forefront of media coverage, several press outlets have been working day and night to confirm various elements of the now infamous Steele Dossier that alleged President Donald Trump has been deeply compromised by Russian intelligence agencies. Among the more salacious details were accusations that Trump hired Russian prostitutes to perform a “golden shower” show for him in which the women micturated on the bed that President Obama had apparently slept on when he stayed in Moscow earlier.
Sources very close to the president, speaking on condition of anonymity and gift cards to Bass Pro Shops, have told the press that they can confirm Mr. Trump does indeed have a penchant for “Russian whore piss,” as one source put it so bluntly.
“Hey, look, I wasn’t going to see-sew-swing-swole-damnit — SAY — anything,” the source told reporters via a recorded message, “but I’m tired of being the guy out on a limb every day, telling lies for this douche. Oh sure, I do my job and now I’m getting made fun of every day and that woman from ‘Bridesmaids’ is playing me on fucking SNL every weekend? I’ve said too…never mind.”
The source said that the president “won’t ever admit in public, of course,” but that he has and always will enjoy golden showers shows.
“They remind him of gold, which reminds him of money,” the anonymous source stated, “and he’s also really gross as a human being. So you combine all those things and, well, what you do you know? Our president loves pee-pee parties. Who knew? Besides all of us, of course. Shit. I’ve said too much again. Goodbye! Lose my nom-nim-noom-neem-number!”
Another source, who said we could only say her name rhymes with Sri Lanka, has confirmed another media rumor. For almost the entirety of the campaign, there was rampant speculation and jokes told about whether or not Mr. Trump has sexual feelings for his daughter. Those rumors were confirmed by Sri Lanka.
“Oh yeah, that part is definitely true, believe me,” our source told us, “really, seriously. I would know if this one’s true. And it’s true. He totally wants to fuck his daughter and honestly he hasn’t shut up about it since her senior prom and she keeps telling him, ‘Eww, Daddy! That’s grody! Stop it, cut it out!’ But he never listens to her, ever, and now we’re — I mean they’re — stuck in the White House when she knew full-well he’d hate the job because it’s an actual job where he has to do shit.”
The White House declined to comment on this story.