WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unforeseen but perhaps truly world changing series of events, President Donald Trump announced this morning that he had made a “bigly, enormous, and yooge discovery” while cleaning up some papers around the Oval Office late last night.
“Folks, I have to tell you, this is truly big, like, beyond anything you could imagine,” Trump tweeted this morning, “because I’ve made a truly bigly, enormous, and yooge discovery, and I had to let you all know about it. Sarah will be briefing reporters shortly.”
About an hour and a half later, a gravy spattered Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Trump’s Press Secretary, walked to the podium and grunted her usual terse greeting to the press pool, giving them the finger and rifling a fart in their direction.
“Good morning, assholes, I have a special announcement to make, so please shut your stupid media word holes and listen,” Huckabee said, setting down her doughnut. “Last night, at approximately 10:15 pm, the President of the United States was cleaning up some papers in the Oval Office. Upon moving some documents pertaining to honoring the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre during our highly-anticipated military parade later this year, President Trump finally discovered the elusive piece of evidence he’s searched tirelessly and doggedly for over the last decade.”
Holding up a wrinkled piece of paper with the words “Birth Certificate of Wakanda” scrawled in orange crayon on the top of it, Huckabee continued. For many years, Trump led the so-called “Birther” movement, which believed that former President Obama was not born in Hawaii, as he claims and as his birth certificate shows, but rather in Kenya. Last night’s development means that Trump was wrong about it being Kenya, Huckabee said, but “right on the merits.”
“This might look like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese wrapper from the 1990’s that the president stuffed into one of his old suit jackets for over twenty years,” Huckabee Sanders said, “but it is in fact the birth certificate of one Mr. Barack HUSSEIN Obama, from the country of Wakanda. This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mr. Obama was not a U.S. citizen, and therefore we believe his entire presidency should be declared null and void both by Congress and the Supreme Court, and everything he ever did should be erased from history.”
Huckabee Sanders said that Trump couldn’t believe what he had found, initially.
“The president was astounded, because for starters he thought the president was born in either the country of Islam or Agrabah, so when he found the Wakandan birth certificate, it challenged his belief in every conspiracy theory his sons had told him,” Huckabee explained. “And to the president, Uday and Qusay are the most reliable sources of information he has, outside of what Ivanka whispers into his ear.”
The White House will have requests drafted to Congress and the Supreme Court within a week to have Obama’s presidency completely scrubbed from the record. It’s unclear at this time what processes will be followed to determine if, and how, a presidency can be expunged from history. Trump is hoping to make this a central issue in the upcoming mid-term elections, later this November.
“We think the American people will choose the party that didn’t put a usurper from Wakanda in the White House,” Huckabee said. “No amount of vibranium shields for Captain America will make up for this transgression.”
Former President Obama and the government of Wakanda could not be reached for comment.