Colt Announces New Ammo Box Tops Program For Local Schools

WEST HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT — Since 1996, Box Tops for Education has partnered with several large corporations to help provide millions of dollars to schools whenever consumers buy specially branded products. From cereals to fruit snacks, the Box Tops program now injects almost $900 million annually into education budgets across the country. Colt, one of the nation’s largest and oldest gun manufacturers announced late this week that they have begun their own, similar program.

“We here at Colt are excited to announce that starting this spring, the Ammo Box Tops for Schools program will launch,” Colt Junior Deputy Assistant Vice Secretary Jack Tharghey told reporters Friday morning. “Now, whenever you buy a box of our ammunition, you can cut off the box top, send it back to us, and we’ll send a shiny new 9mm handgun and a box of ammo for it to your local school, allowing you to arm yourself, and your kid’s teacher, in one transaction.”

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Mr. Tharghey told reporters that Colt was inspired to start the program after watching President Donald Trump suggest during a meeting with survivors of and families who lost loved ones in mass shootings that arming teachers is a possible solution he’d like to see employed. The rate at which mass shootings have taken place on school campuses around the country increased since the horrific events at Columbine High School back in 1999. Trump and pro-gun advocates see arming teachers as a step toward securing schools.

“Admittedly, even Colt was a little baffled that some Americans truly believe that adding guns to a problem of too many guns would solve anything,” Tharghey said. “But then we took a good, long, hard look at our revenues from last year and said to ourselves, ‘You know, more money would be pretty sweet.’ So now we back the president’s idea, and we thought Ammo Box Tops for Schools would be a great way to show our support.”

Ammo Box Tops for Schools will begin in the second quarter of this year. Colt has committed to donating 3% of the proceeds from branded merchandise, and will begin shipping the free gun and ammunition to teachers in the fall, as kids return to school from their summer breaks.

Satire like this can also be found on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

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