Wayne LaPierre Too Busy Scrubbing Blood Off Hands To Equivocate About Gun Violence

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — National Rifle Association Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre told reporters today that he won’t have time to equivocate about gun violence in America any time soon, despite one of the deadliest mass school shootings in the nation’s history, last week in Parkland, Florida.

“You all know that in the wake of deadly shootings I usually disappear for a few days and then come back out with a platitude and talking point riddled bunch of word salad,” LaPierre told the press via conference call. “I love to imply that guns are never a problem. But right now I’m too busy washing the blood of all the mass shooting victims from the last twenty years in this country from my hands to use them to write nonsense about good guys with guns.”

LaPierre said that the Parkland shooting was “particularly tough” for him to “synthesize into neat little sound bytes and bumper sticker intellectualism.”

“The school has armed guards which is one of my first easy deflection talking points,” LaPierre said. “And that’s to say nothing of the fact that the killer used guns to kill, and I am pretty sure for, like, the last forever, we’ve been telling people guns don’t kill people, or even wound them. Hell, they barely tickle people.”

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While he says that washing the blood free from his hands would take up most of his time anyway, even if Pierre had managed to clean them by now the shooting in Florida would have him “locked away for even longer than usual.” LaPierre stated that once he has the blood off his hands, and he’s finished masturbating to the gun industry’s profit windfall he will help generate by ginninig up paranoia among gun nuts, he will take the time to write his statement on this week’s violence.

Seventeen people lost their lives in the shooting, and LaPierre says that fact is “a real bummer.”

“I did the math, and if we had only lost sixteen people, that would have finally met the secret threshold of dead Americans the NRA needed to see before we started asking for common sense gun laws,” LaPierre said. “But, sorry America, you went one over, and we do Price is Right rules around here.”

This story is developing.

Satire can also be found on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

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