Televangelist on Rob Porter Affair: ‘Sometimes God Gives Ladies Black Eyes To Save Unborn Babies’ Lives’

SYCAMORE GLEN, TENNESSEE — Reverend Bill Millen is a televangelist in his home state of Tennessee, and he describes himself as a “loud and proud” supporter of President Donald Trump.

Millen admits freely that if you had asked him a few years ago, he would never have thought he’d have been a supporter of Trump’s. That’s because, Millen says, he assumed like so many other people of the Christian faith that Trump was not one of them. However, all that changed when Trump entered the 2016 presidential race as a Republican.

“When I saw him enter the race as a Republican I knew he was a champion of the unborn,” Millen told his TV congregation. “Because even though Republicans have promised us for decades they’d fight to get Roe vs. Wade overturned, and even when they controlled all three branches of government, they didn’t, we still believe, as good, clean, moral, upstanding, gun toting Christian American Patriots, that the GOP is the only party that knows how vital it is to end the scourge of abortion in this country.”

Millen told us later in an interview via Skype that his pro-life views gave him a new perspective on the Rob Porter scandal currently embroiling the president. Porter was a senior staffer, by all accounts on the rise within the administration, when two women from his past came forward with allegations of domestic abuse. One of the women had pictures of her injuries she says Porter gave her. It’s now clear that the White House knew about Porter’s past and the allegations against him, because the FBI told them about his troubled history as part of his security clearance background check.

Despite the fact that it appears at least a handful of top Trump aides have lied both on and off the record about Porter’s troubling past, Millen says the lies are “violations of the Ten Commandments” but they aren’t “nearly as as important as the good work this president is doing to end abortion.” Therefore, he told his local TV audience this morning, Millen thinks Porter might have been a “tool of God” and the black eyes he gave to his ex-wives were simply God working in “completely horrific, atrociously violent ways.”

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“This man was serving Donald Trump’s administration, and Donald Trump has been a steadfast defender of every child’s right to life for at least the last eighteen to twenty-four months,” Millen explained to his flock. “It might seem hard for we mere mortals to understand, but sometimes God truly does work in completely horrific, atrociously violent ways. Maybe these poor women’s black eyes were the product of sin, but is not committing a disturbing felony pale in comparison to baby murder?”

Millen told his viewership that they should put their faith both in God, but also in the vice president, Mike Pence.

“There is no stronger defender of Christ’s values in our government than High Inquisitor Vice President Mike Pence,” Millen said, “and if he felt overlooking these egregious, truly heinous transgressions and violent outbursts, then who are we do to question Father Pence?”

Reverend Millen believes that since Mr. Porter was working for the president, who is “working in the service of God to protect babies,” he was acting as an implement of God. He was a tool of God’s will, Millen argues, and therefore, it wasn’t Porter who abused his ex-wives, it was God.

“This next part might be really un-PC. It might enrage the Godless heathens, but we simply must be very rill with each other, here,” Millen said. “If Mr. Porter was acting in defense of unborn babies, which clearly being in the Donald Trump administration would absolutely imply, that makes him a soldier in the Service of God, and that means maybe he wasn’t acting under his own will, but God’s. And yes, that would mean those ladies weren’t battered by Rob, but instead were battered by God. What. A. Blessing.”

If it was God who beat Porter’s wives, Millen says, it’s “sad” but “maybe part of a larger framework of good.”

“Sometimes God gives ladies black eyes to save unborn babies’ lives,” Millen said in a rhyme.

As he wrapped up the sermon, Millen spoke to his congregation’s duties not just to Christ, but also to Trump, to defend him above all others.

“We, the loud and proud Religious Right, are True Believers. Oh, sure in Jesus, I guess, but one hundred percent in Donald Trump,” Millen said. “We are clearly the only reason his approval ratings aren’t in the single digits. It is our Christian  — but also just as important, Trumpian — duty, to defend him and protect his agenda. Which is only to end abortion, because he is a true believer in the Pro-Life cause…at least for now, and since pretty recently.”

You can read satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

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