Puerto Rico And Flint, Michigan Are Vying To Host Trump’s Military Parade

A recent poll conducted by The Military Times shows that the overwhelming majority of service members surveyed are not in favor of a military parade, as proposed by the Donald Trump administration. As reported by The Hill, a whopping 89% of respondents did not support the idea of a parade because they said it was a “waste of money” and that the armed forces are too busy for such a parade.

The publication, an independent news source that covers the armed forces for service members and their families, published the results of its poll, which was launched on its website Wednesday. The poll asked readers, “Should there be a parade showing troops and military equipment in Washington, D.C.?”

Eighty-nine percent of Military Times readers responded with, “No, it’s a waste of money and troops are too busy.” (The Hill)

Despite heavy criticism from both Democrats and Republicans, and a lack of support from actual members of the armed forces, the Trump administration seems dedicated to the idea of a military parade. This week, at a White House press briefing, Secretary of Defense James Mattis said the Pentagon is putting together some options for the president to choose from, and that he supports the idea of a parade because it speaks to Trump’s “fondness” for the armed forces.

“He’s so fond of the military, he really is,” Mattis was later overheard telling a reporter in a White House corridor. “The military makes his bone spurs swell with pride and love.”

In a surprise development, two municipalities outside the nation’s capital are doing their best to attract President Trump’s attention and favor, in the hopes of playing host to the parade. Both Puerto Rico and the city of Flint, Michigan have sent letters to the White House, asking if their streets can be the ones to have missiles, tanks, and soldiers march down them.

“Mr. President, the good people of Flint would really love some clean water and relief from our government,” the Flint letter states. “But barring those things, we’d settle for just some attention, that’s all. And maybe if there’s some leftover Yay Military money, we could, oh, we don’t know, get some non-poisoned water to drink? Mkthx, byeeeeeeeeeee.”

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The letter from Puerto Rico states that its government would welcome a military parade “every day” if it mean that certain supplies were sent with the military equipment and troops.

“If you promise to load those tanks with food and fresh water, we’ll let you have a parade here every day, Mr. President,” the Puerto Rican government writes.

Thus far, the White House has not responded to Flint or Puerto Rico. One source close to the president, however, said that Puerto Rico is definitely out.

“He didn’t get any Electoral College votes from Puerto Rico, so he really genuinely doesn’t even know they exist,” our source tells us. “And truthfully, most of the Flint residents are the wrong shade of American to hold his attention for too long, so they probably shouldn’t get their hopes up either.

This story is developing.

You can read satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

More Satire:

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