Americans Disappointed To Find Out Trump Wasn’t On Falcon Heavy

Yesterday, SpaceX, the private sector aerospace development company run by inventor and entrepreneur Elon Musk, launched a rocket they dubbed “Falcon Heavy” into orbit with a very special payload — a car made by Musk’s car company, Tesla. Falcon Heavy is the largest rocket by mass than any other in the history of the human species. In one of the most stunning displays of human ingenuity and engineering, the shuttle’s reusable side boosters successfully completed their round trip journey into space and then back down for a truly spectacular looking joint landing on pads back on the Earth’s surface.

Roughly a million people watched Falcon Heavy ascend into the heavens, push out the Tesla — a convertible with a mannequin dressed in a space suit — out into space on the arm attached to the satellite orbiting the Earth. Comments online and in traditional media were mostly very positive, with many calling the launch “inspiring” or “breathtaking.” Wanting to get some more reactions to Falcon Heavy’s test launch, we hit the streets around our publishing headquarters, and asked some average Americans how they felt about the launch.

Our respondents largely echoed those found online, but a pattern started emerging in their answers; a pattern worth reporting, in the view of our editorial board. Many people, it turns out, thought that President Donald Trump might have been the one in the Tesla, in the spacesuit, and they were all very disappointed when our reporter told them they were mistaken.

“Are you sure? There were so many people watching, I figured it had to be because we were firing that fat fuck up there, but I guess a lot of people still like space. Okay,” Susan Heffleston, 32, a stay at home mom to three children told us.

“You mean he’s not drifting toward Mars in a Tesla Roadster, headed toward his certain demise? Bummer, man,” Bob Libstin, 56, a carpenter and local artisinal butt plug craftsman told us. “It just seemed a real two birds with one stone kinda deal, you know?”

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Susan Gripstein, a 45 year old eighth grade teacher told us she watched Falcon Heavy’s launch with her fourth period science class students. All of them were very disappointed when they found out Trump wasn’t in the Tesla, she says.

“They were really let down, no doubt,” Gripstein said. “They’re young, they see right through his conman bullshit act, and they all know someone who came here from another country, so they just really don’t see much point in keeping him around if he’s going to make their friends leave, know what I mean?”

“I just assumed that everyone was pronouncing ‘Fuckin’ Heavy’ wrong. Because if Trump were on anything, it would make whatever he was one fuckin’ heavy,” Jennifer McScoodoo, a 22 year old college student told us.

Not every disappointed American is a critic of the president’s, however. Jethro Bohiggins, a 39 year old out of work non-union plummer, said he was “super duper bummed” when he found out Trump wasn’t on the rocket, but for a completely different reason than most others who answered.

“I wanted him to get on that rocket and prove to every libtard out there that a) the Earth is flat, just like it was in Bible Times, b) climate change is a hoax cuz you cayn’t see no rising oceans from way high up in space, and c) that Daddy God Emperor can survive in space without even a space suit,” Bohiggins told us.

Mr. Musk did not say when asked via Twitter this morning if he’d consider putting Trump on the next rocket SpaceX tests.

You can read satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

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