WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the time of publication, sources are confirming that there was a brief commotion and kerfuffle in the nation’s capital today, as final preparations were being made for President Donald Trump’s first State of the Union address. According to several officials speaking on the condition of anonymity, First Lady Melania Trump was upset when she found out that her spot on the official seating chart had the name of Stormy Daniels penciled into it.
“This morning, President Trump was presented with a draft of audience seating chart for their approval,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said while devouring a 20 piece Chicken McNugget from McDonald’s. “Being the sharpest, smartest, most intuitive, brilliant president we’ve had and a stable genius, he noticed that his First Lady’s seat was incorrectly spelled. The seating chart has since been corrected and I’m pleased to announce that president’s most beloved will be sitting and admiring him from where so many other First Ladies have sat.”
Huckabee then held up a new, fresh copy of the seating chart, but not before using it to dab the barbecue sauce from her mouth while she simultaneously chucked three nuggets in her mouth at once. On the chart, the name Stormy Daniels had been crossed out with orange crayon and above it, “My Sweet, Sweet ‘Vanka” was written.
“I’m, like, suuuuper duper excited that Daddy got the seating chart fixed! Nothing makes me proud like cheering on my man while he gives, like, a really great speech or whatever,” Ivanka later told Breitbart News. “It would have totally sucked if I had to miss the State of the Union thing. Daddy would be mad and he’d prolly punish me, and I don’t wanna be punished anymore, but don’t tell him I said that, okay?”
A spokesman for Mrs. Trump, the president’s current wife, and not either of his two former wives, said that Melania “has zero fucks to give” about the seating chart mix-up.
“Melania cared as much about this as she did about her husband doinking Stormy all during her pregnancy, which is to say she’s still here, isn’t she,” the spokesman said.
Representatives for Ms. Daniels, the adult film star who the president allegedly had a sexual affair with while Melania was pregnant with their son Baron, could not be reached for comment. However, she is scheduled to appear on Jimmy Kimmel Live the night of the address.