Papa John’s Unveils New “Deep Dish Deep State Pizza”

Flagging sales inspire a new "pizza" variety.

Alleged pizza restaurant Papa John’s announced during its month-end call with investors this morning that they will be rolling out a new pie starting in the third quarter of 2018.

The Deep Dish Deep State Pizza will hopefully help the chain regain some of its flagging sales. The so-called pizza purveyors have been shaking up their top level executive team starting with CEO John Schnatter, who stepped down at the end of last year, and their Chief Financial Officer just jumped ship to work for Jack in the Box. Schnatter has raised eyebrows and made headlines for the last several years as he revealed more and more of his political views to the public, starting with outspoken complaints about the Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare, and culminating in Schnatter getting caught in the cross hairs of public outcry when he blamed the sales drop at the company he started at least partially on NFL player protests of police brutality.

As if all that publicity wasn’t tough enough for the supposed pizza chain, they were further embroiled in controversy when white nationalists began hailing them after they perceived Schnatter as an ally to their cause. Papa John’s was forced to hastily release a statement condemning racism and bigotry in all forms, but the American right-wing has still continued to defend and promote Papa John’s, which they told investors this morning was a “major impetus” for the creation of the Deep Dish Deep State Pizza.

“At first we were really afraid of what being associated with the most hard-line fringe right-wingers would do to our bottom line,” Deputy Media Contact Susan Susanovich told investors, “but then we decided, fuck it, and we embraced it. After all, you know our motto: Better Ingredients, Allegedly Pizza, Money Rules Everything. So, here we are, introducing this truly awesome pizza.”

Report: California Man Smokes Legal Weed And Nothing Out Of The Ordinary Happens

During the call, Ms. Susanovich described the new pizza in great detail.

“What’s really great about this new pie is that it will save us millions of dollars because we don’t actually need any ingredients for it,” Susanovich said. “It’s just going to be an empty box. That’s it. Oh, but we’ll wrap it all up in tinfoil, just to complete the aesthetic, know what I mean?”

Each pizza will come with heavy narcotics and psychotropics so that customers can simulate the feeling they get when they watch Fox News or listen to right-wing talk radio.

“That way, when they open the box, they’ll think they’re seeing the biggest, most beautiful, and tastiest pizza ever, but the box will be completely and utterly empty,” Susanovich promised investors. “But as die-hard Republicans, we think most of our customers will be used to being promised something that never, ever materializes. We’ll just tell them the pizza will trickle down later.”

Satire like this can also be found on Alternative Facts and The Political Garbage Chute.

More Satire:

Hipster Will Only Do Challenge With Non-GMO Tide Pods

Trump Supporter Worried Trump Alienated His Base With Genius Boasts

Comments

comments

More from James Schlarmann

Woman Mildly Comforted By Knowledge That As Bad As Today Was, It Can Always Be Worse Tomorrow

Helen Nguyen considers herself a “pragmatic realist.” Recently, she had her pragmatism...
Read More

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *